Goblinproofing One's Chicken Coop Read online

  GOBLINPROOFING

  ONE'S CHICKEN COOP

  And Other Practical Advice in Our

  Campaign Against the Fairy Kingdom

  REGINALD BAKELEY

  FOREWORD

  BY CLINT MARSH

  Conari Press

  First published in 2012 by Conari Press, an imprint of

  Red Wheel/Weiser, LLC

  With offices at:

  665 Third Street, Suite 400

  San Francisco, CA 94107

  www.redwheelweiser.com

  Sign up for our newsletter and special offers by going to www.redwheelweiser.com/newsletter.

  Copyright © 2012 by Reginald Bakeley

  All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from Red Wheel/Weiser, LLC. Reviewers may quote brief passages.

  ISBN: 978-1-57324-532-6

  Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data available upon request

  Cover design by Jim Warner

  Cover photograph © TK

  Interior by Kathryn Sky-Peck

  Printed in the United States of America

  MAL

  10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

  To Holly

  CONTENTS

  Foreword by Clint Marsh

  Manifesto by Reginald Bakeley

  For Hearth & Home

  First Principles of Faerie

  The Pernicious Pervasiveness of Faerie • The Brownie: A Misunderstood Fairy • Its Ambitions • The Boggart • Finding Its Lair and Motives • Methods of Routing • A Sample Letter • Maelstrom

  Goblinproofing One's Chicken Coop

  The Gentlemanly Art of Chickenry • What Are Goblins? • The Vileness of Changeling Eggs • Goblin Migrations • Ley Lines and Ley Markers • De-Sanctification

  A Groundskeeper's Guide to Dwarfs

  A Non-Native Species • Dwarfish History • Rustics and Cider • Dwarfspotting • Stones vs. Stumps • Keep Calm and Carry Off • Where Help May Be Found • The Opportunity for Initiation

  The Second-Sight Smallholder

  Standard Livestock • Seelie Livestock • Keener's Tale • The Proper Pasture • Appropriate Housing • Allies and Upkeep • Generosity and Its Rewards

  A Few Words about Flower-Fairies

  The Flower-Fairy a Deceiver • Its Usefulness • Children • Stalking Flower-Fairies • A Golden Afternoon • Absinthe and Second Sight • Three Cautions • Successful Integration • Village Fairs

  The Abuses of Enchantment

  The Country of Love • Angling in Cornwall • A Pleasantly Unsettling Meeting • Harmony • Trouble and Strife • The Levee Breaks • A Peculiar Visitor • Bewilderment and Angling

  The Fight Afield

  First Aid for the Fairy-Shot

  The Dangers of Going Out of Doors • Hostage No More • Cautions, Countermeasures, Cures • Elf-Song • Fairy Food and Drink • Dancing • Elf-Shot • A Lonely Path

  On Gnoming

  Springtime Means Gnoming • Proper Outfitting • The Hunting Party • Indications of Gnome Life • A Technique for Riflemen • Trickery • Cookery • The Trouble of Trolls

  An Iron Nail in Your Pocket

  The Joy of Rambling • The Nature of the Pixie • Glamour • The Home Tailor • The Iron Rod Campaign • Stray Sods • A Cautionary Tale

  Faerie-Foraging

  Foraging Today • The Solitary Fairies • Truffle-Hunting in Ireland • Hopes Dashed • A Friend in Peril • Momentary Gains • A Repulsive Revival • Home and Back Again • All That Glitters

  The Uncanny Companion

  The Faerie-Double • Face-Off • The Tolling of the Bell • Recollections of the Morning • The Road Home • Waylaid • The Sluagh • Staring into the Abyss • Remedy and Revival

  Resources

  Bonus Material

  FOREWORD

  IN EACH OF OUR LIVES, there are people who change the way we look at the world around us so fundamentally that, after we meet, we wonder how we ever got by without them. For me, no one has done this quite so boldly, or with as much personal style, as the man who has penned the book you are about to read. I consider it an honor to present to you the pioneering work of iconoclastic sportsman, gentleman farmer, and idiosyncratic clairvoyant Reginald Bakeley, my guide—and now yours—to that most fascinating and mysterious of other-worlds: the Fairy Kingdom.

  My introduction to Mr. Bakeley came about not over fireside brandies at the social club, nor was it in the early morning mist before setting out for, as Reginald would say, “a spot of gnoming” (an activity you will learn about very soon). Instead, our first meeting was under more prosaic circumstances and in the most unlikely of places—the folklore stacks of my hometown library in rural Iowa. A fervent scholar of fairy lore from a young age, I scoured any books I could find about Faerie, that golden kingdom just beyond our everyday reach, home to elves, goblins, trolls, and other representatives of “the goodpeople.” Reginald's name was included in one book's footnotes discussing modern-day writers who possessed “the Second Sight,” the seemingly magical ability to see and hear fairies. I was intrigued, so I copied his name into my notes.

  Guided by the scant few writings of Bakeley's I could find, along with the rare interviews he granted on his life and work, I began to piece together a picture of this decidedly odd Welshman. The more I learned about him, the more fascinated I became. I was determined to meet Reginald, and following a slow and patchy correspondence, we did eventually get together during one of his visits to the United States. We met for sandwiches at a café in Berkeley, and Reginald ate and spoke with the same unbridled gusto which I would find he brought to everything in his life.

  Two truths became clear to me almost immediately during that initial conversation. The first was that a life among the fairies wasn't necessarily without its troubles. Reginald was a man who, unlike other writers on the subject, had no wish to go further into Faerie, but was determined to fight tooth and nail to get out. To him, there was nothing “good” about the goodpeople. According to Reginald, the fairies of myth and folklore are not only real, but also in fact at the root of nearly every problem imaginable. Not that he was happy to let the matter rest at that. I was in the presence of a consummate clairvoyant who used his gift of Second Sight not only to see fairies, but to…well, you're about to find out how he uses it.

  The second truth was that Reginald was far too busy to include any new people in his life unless they benefited his work. Instead of risking losing our nascent friendship, I offered to help him distribute his writings in America. He agreed, and we began publishing pamphlets of his “practical fairy lore” to a growing readership.

  Reginald's startlingly direct guidelines on the hows and whys of ridding the chicken coop of migrating goblins, or of hunting “bothersome and delicious” gnomes, became instant favorites of everyone I showed them to, so much so that we have long hoped to gather them, along with other essays and stories, into a single volume.

  And now, here it is. Those of you already familiar with Reginald's work may consider this book a long-awaited expansion of his singular vision. If you're new to this most peculiar of fairy folklorists, then he and I both wish you welcome. For those in search of a way into the Fairy Kingdom, as I was so many years ago, nothing beats the direct approach. Step aside as Reginald Bakeley kicks down the door and ushers you in with a fanfare.

  —CLINT MARSH

  “WHY FAERIE

  NEEDS HUNTING,”

  A MANIFESTO

  Up the airy mountain,r />
  Down the rushy glen

  We daren't go a-hunting

  For fear of little men;

  Wee folk, good folk,

  Trooping all together;

  Green jacket, red cap,

  And white owl's feather!

  —WILLIAM ALLINGHAM

  A PRETTY BIT OF DOGGEREL, that poem, and more devious than it first appears. “Daren't go a-hunting,” indeed! If we follow the advice of Mr. Allingham and other weak-constitutioned fairy sympathisers, then the whole of the outdoors will soon be snatched away from mankind, its rightful master.

  Whilst this cowardly little verse is right in characterising fairies as dangerous, the properly equipped and educated person is one able to move through life free from such fear and trepidation. I have made it my life's work to show how this may be done.

  Thankfully, not all authors and anthropologists on the subject of Faerie share Allingham's pessimistic outlook. But among those unafraid of Faerie (by which I mean the Fairy Kingdom and all its inhabitants, from the most miniscule flower-fairy to the most towering troll), many go a bit too far, stripping away all of the fey's instinctual wickedness and presenting them as nonthreatening storybook characters.

  This error, sadly, is as deadly as it is common. By treating the topic of Faerie too lightly, these chroniclers may unwittingly lead innocent people straight into the hands of mankind's greatest oppressor. The fey are not gentle creatures but malevolent meddlers, each of them in its own way. If they are to be “sugar-coated,” let it be after they are first bagged and roasted.

  There are other snares as well. Most writers on Faerie make the mistake of distancing their stories from the lives of their readers. Their tales are prone to be placed in a long-ago setting, a century or more into the past. Or they may be accounts from a far-off place, somewhere so exotic we might believe anything could be possible. This is misleading in the extreme, for as you will learn, the fey are not a relic of history. They truly are everywhere, from the brownie mucking up the kitchen of one's London flat to the flying horrors haunting the Scottish Highlands. They generally keep out of sight, but under the cover of darkness, or when our backs are turned, they do everything in their power to upset the tranquillity of day-to-day life.

  Another misguided concept, spread mainly through popular legend, is that fairies are a vanishing facet of Nature and mankind should elevate them and respect them to a debilitating degree. Take gnomes, for example. Mindless readers of the propaganda which passes for folklore today have been brainwashed into believing that gnomes are benign spirits of the forest. “They're natural,” these hapless scholars tell us. This argument never fails to send a shudder through my frame. As an inveterate outdoorsman, I believe myself eminently qualified to declare what is and what is not natural. Trees are natural. Streams are natural. Sparrows and hedgehogs and trout are natural. What is not natural is some little twerp of a red-capped manikin traipsing about wagging his beard and spouting rhymes, intent on harming people who'd simply like to enjoy a walk out of doors!

  Finally there are the most hopeless of the lot, those who claim fairies don't exist at all. They believe all of life's calamities can be chalked up to one's own clumsiness or simply to ill luck. This, my friends, is exactly what the fairies would like us to think.

  Whether or not one “believes” in them, fairies do exist. The proof lies in the mountains of first-hand evidence I have gathered regarding the habits and predilections of every species of fey known to man. Not a single one of them have I found to be completely free of malice. And whilst some fairies, under the right circumstances, can be surprisingly useful to us (and others can be downright scrumptious), on the whole they are entirely without merit and many of them are positively bent on making our lives miserable. It makes no difference to me whether this or that fairy is designated a member of the beneficent “Seelie Court” or to its dark, “Unseelie” counterpart. I do not make distinctions based on the personal allegiances of individual fairies. All are suspect.

  Anyone who has spent more than two moments in my presence knows that I am not one merely to sit around and complain about this or that injustice. When I see something needs to be done, I snap to attention and do it. It is time we shone a lantern on the fairies, exposing them as the meddlers they are. It is time we took steps towards restoring order to our world. Anyone who would defend the Fairy Kingdom as harmless or meek is at best misinformed, and at worst, an enemy.

  My intention has been to contribute to the discussion on Faerie a book which is instructive. Too many books are full of folklore and anecdote but fall flat when it comes to helping readers apply such information to everyday life. This is the first thoroughly practical book compiled not from second- and third-hand sources but rather from the collected wisdom of a lifetime with the accursed Second Sight. One of the few comforts this affliction affords me is that I might share with you methods and techniques to employ in our mutual campaign against the machinations of the Fairy Kingdom.

  I have arranged this book into two sections. The first is written to help you in noticing fairy activity in and around the home. The second section is meant to prepare you for the possibility of fairy assault during your excursions into the countryside. In addition to the practical articles in each section, I have included a few recollections of my own fairy encounters. These are meant to serve as illustration and to remind us that even the utmost in preparation and foreknowledge is sometimes not enough to prevent mishap at the hands of the fey. It is an unfortunate truth, but not one so dire that we should give up our resistance.

  I believe strongly that with sufficient knowledge of fairies and their habits, along with this or that everyday household object, even the blindest of fairy seers will possess everything needed to confront these dreadful creatures head-on. I don't pretend to have laid out an all-inclusive system for any of the pastimes I write about in this collection—hunting, farming, marriage—but hope merely to bridge a long-neglected gap. My desire is that with Goblinproofing One's Chicken Coop, you will be set on the path to achieving your goals in all these areas and more.

  The notion that we need fear the Fairy Kingdom and its inhabitants is absurd. It is time instead that they feared us. Not only do we dare go a-hunting, but we declare open season on every last blackguard of a fairy who would stand between us and our dreams for a peaceful life.

  Therefore, in unlocking the miniature treasure chest of practical wisdom contained within this book, I present to you my own ditty, a bit of a battle-cry, as a counterblast against Allingham's craven verse. Perhaps it will inspire you and come to serve as a source of strength in your own noble struggle against the Fairy Kingdom:

  Open up each window,

  Throw wide every door

  Announce to all the fairies

  We're slaves to them no more;

  Brownies, pixies,

  Goblins, elves, and gnomes;

  Hear our cry, begone at once,

  You shan't destroy our homes!

  Ascending craggy hillside,

  Strolling country lane

  No fairy makes us tremble

  Come dark or wind or rain;

  Your schemes will come to nothing,

  Your plots will go nowhere;

  Our wits are sharp, our senses keen,

  And we're loaded for bugbear!

  —YOURS SINCERELY,

  REGINALD BAKELEY

  For Hearth & Home

  FIRST PRINCIPLES OF FAERIE

  The Pernicious Pervasiveness of Faerie • The Brownie: A Misunderstood Fairy • Its Ambitions • The Boggart • Finding Its Lair and Motives • Methods of Routing • A Sample Letter • Maelstrom

  SEEN FROM THE OUTSIDE, the life of a dashing country gentleman such as myself must look like an endless parade of pleasure. Whilst I'll admit that this observation is fundamentally true, there isn't a single activity—no pheasant shoot, no cricket match, no afternoon of riverbank angling—that is not saturated with potential interference from that most a
ncient and insufferable people, the fairies. Perhaps the most unsettling quality of these so-called “goodpeople” is how they have insinuated themselves into every aspect of daily life. Far from being content to contain their caperings to the sylvan grove, nor to halt their march at the front gate or flower bed, these bogeys of childhood nightmare and adult paranoia are to be found nearly anywhere one might cast a glance. In my own life, the fairies and their mischievous pranks have caused me no end of trouble, scaring off my entire household staff, souring many of my closest friendships, and exacting unwanted expense and worry until all I'm left with are a few tattered scraps of sanity. These I raise as war banner against the fey. I beseech you to rally beside me.

  Of all the innumerable types of fairies, the one most commonly encountered, yet also the most commonly misunderstood, is the brownie. Here is a nocturnal fairy “helper” who stands no taller than the spout of one's teapot, yet is able to single-handedly carry out an astonishing number of household tasks. Renowned historically for its knack for churning butter and grinding wheat into flour, the modern brownie has mastered a repertoire revolving around pressed laundry and freshly brewed cups of tea. In exchange for its labour, it might skim a dram of milk from the bottle or gnaw the occasional simple crust of bread.

  It sounds pleasant enough, having one of these magnificently industrious creatures scampering about, but the household harbouring a brownie would do better to consider itself not blessed but beset.

  I say “beset” because in truth the brownie is nothing but a ruthless social climber. In the mists of antiquity, brownies were simple spirits of the earth. Yet as civilisation grew, these ambitious fairies hitched a ride, haunting hearthstones and lurking in linen baskets, biding their time until they themselves could have proper houses of their own. Now these jealous creatures live in a limbo-land between the Fairy Kingdom and our own world, residents of both places but full citizens of neither. By serving us endless cups of tea and pressing our clothes into immaculate crispness, they hope to ingratiate themselves upon us. They hope to become, in a word, men.